i keysmash a lot okay
HERE BE high school student with curly hair, Mass Effect, Skyrim, Avengers, art, writing, flailing all over the goddamn place, and lots, and lots, and LOTS of Tony Stark. You've been warned.
((I HATE YOU SO MUCH OKAY
SO MUCH
HAVE MY REVENGE HERE TAKE IT))
Ten hours.
Ten tense hours of waiting and hoping and dreading and oh god and what if and this could be it. Ten hours of his teammates arrayed around him, no one moving, no one saying a word, just being there. Natasha’s knee leaning against his, a warm presence at his side (and if her hands were shaking, no one said anything). Clint guarding the door, eyes flicking around and missing nothing (even if there was nothing to miss, it made him feel better, and that was something they all needed right now). Bruce sat at his other hand, easing the tension by a nanometer just with his presence, an ocean of zen among them (although his eyes were flashing green).
Tony, though—Tony was all numbers.
there is a man
he does not have a name because it is against the law to know it
he does not have a face because i have never cared to ask for it
he does not have a life because what was he before he dies (dying)?
there is a wife
she sits by the side of the man
she needs to have her hands held (‘he will die tonight’)
she is as faceless as the man and in this they are equal
the man will die tonight
i do not know where
i do not know when
i do not know why
but he will die tonight
i will not see it
i will not remember it
i will not hear of it again
but he will die tonight.
there is a doctor
kind and steel and with hands that could save the world
she is not like the man
she will wake up tomorrow
she is not like the wife
she will not lose the man (like the wife will)
there is a doctor
she is kind and steel and she has been(will be) here before(again).
‘there is a man,’ the doctor says, ‘and he will die tonight. he has a wife, and im leaving to talk to her,’ she says, and walks out the door.
‘attention must be paid,’ the doctor says, and she has said this before.
the man is alive for the space of a minute
ive never heard of him before (the doctor has)
the doctor has said nothing because she chose (i didn’t)
‘attention must be paid,’ she says,
and walks out the door
and i dont think i have ever understood it before.
do i understand it now?
attention must be paid
to the man who is dying
to the wife who will lose him
to the doctor that lives.
there is always a man
and a wife
and a doctor
but each one has a name i cannot ask for
and each one loves the man in a different way
and each one has been here before.
(but only one will be here again)
the man lives inside the space of a minute
‘he has a wife’
and he is born
he has a family and a home and a face and a name
and maybe he can survive there
inside a mind that will forget him by morning
(but not in the mind of the doctor who knows—)
‘he will die tonight’
and dies when the doctor hits the door.
attention must be paid
because there is a wife
and a wife goes on
because there is a doctor
and a doctor remembers
because she chose (hands that could save the world)
attention must be paid
because there is a man
and he lived for a minute
and a minute is enough.
H is for Hela alone in the dark
F is for Fenrir whose eyes hold a spark
J is for Jormungandr locked in the sea
S is for Sleipnir to whom Odin has the key
L is for Loki who once had his children
H is for Hela cast to Helheim, so barren
L is for Loki, looking for her
H is for Hela who watched her brothers burn
L is for Loki who let go of his son
S is for Sleipnir who was never done
O is for Odin who uses him ill
S is for Sleipnir, a common horse still
L is for Loki who birthed a snake
J is for Jor who was hidden for his sake
W is for Worldeater, the title given to keep
J is for Jormungandr, alone in the deep
L is for Loki, bound all in chains
F is for Fenrir, bound all the same
A is for Asgard, where he may never go
L is for Loki who searched high and low
L is for Loki who screams in the dark
F is for family broken apart
O is for Odin who made them that way
And L is for Loki, whose vision
fades
away—
{avengers - no pairings - angst}
a is for asgard that all fell to pieces
b is for bruce whose humanity ceases
c is for coulson stabbed through the chest
d is for darcy who never was best
e is for erskine who did not have to die
f is for fury shot through the eye
g is for galaga guy who always came last
h is for howard who drove very fast
i is for ivan from whom tony stole fame
j is for james who forgot his own name
k is for killing that always was near
l is for loki killed by his own fear
m is for maria blown up by grenades
n is for natasha who ran out of blades
o is for obie killed by the last Stark
p is for pepper who just lost her spark
q is for questions that got Jane lethal trouble
r is for rhodey still searching through rubble
s is for steven who fell very far
t is for tony who now sleeps with the stars
u is for uganda where clint’s mission went wrong
v is for vengeance, one eternity long
w is for wade who cut Peter to pieces
x is for xavier whose mind Charles releases
y is for yinsen who didn’t stick to the plan
and z is for zola’s army killed to a man
a is for avengers who were on their own
a is for always dying alone
a is for abandoned to a lonely grave
a is for avengers who stopped being brave.
{avengers - clint/natasha - angst}
kiss today goodbye
“I have to go,” Natasha says one day. Clint looks up at her and sees something in her eyes that speaks of dark and red and you will never see me again. He says “no,” and for now, that is that.
the sweetness and the sorrow
One day, they are sitting on the roof of Stark Tower with the sun slanting in golden and the arms around her are warm and tight and his lips against her hair are perfect and she wishes she could treat this moment like fine china—to watch and cherish in a cabinet all over glass.
Another day they have an argument and she spits the word “Trickshot” at him and they do not speak for a week.
And then she remembers that sometimes there is one thing that knocks into the cabinet, and all the china comes crashing down in shards.
wish me luck, the same to you
“I have a mission in Moscow,” she says, and he nods at her, avoiding her eyes. “I have one in Sao Paulo,” he says, and she nods sharply back. She does not remember when Fury started sending them on different missions, but she has always known the Director was more perceptive than anyone thought. Right now, she hates him for it.
They do not kiss each other goodbye at the door and leave behind an empty house as they walk in opposite directions down the sidewalk, china crunching under their feet.
but i can’t regret
Natasha has never been one to rush into things. That is Clint’s job. So she thinks and thinks and thinks until the thought lays upon her like a bruise, purple and black and surfacing just under her skin—Go. Go. Go. Clint watches her speak and there is something like desperation, like panic, like clinging to the last of life by your fingernails in the way he takes her to Aruba, to Santa Monica, to Maui, extravagant private islands and long cruises on empty ships. But she has seen the world already, seen it through lenses stained with blood, and slowly, slowly she feels them slip apart.
what i did for love
“I have to leave,” she says one day to an empty house, and there is no one around to say ‘no.’
what i did
Clint comes home to broken china and a note on the dining room table. He steps through the china and does not read the note. He leaves on a mission to Budapest with the memory of red hair slipping through his fingers and green eyes turning away.
The house remains empty and shattered.
Clint does not come back.
for
Natalie Rushman arrives at a funeral. She will not say she knows the man who died. She will be a figure in black, alone in the rain, and she will not cry. Natalie Rushman arrives when the rest of SHIELD has gone home, when even Phil has driven away, his dark roses a stain against the simple white headstone. Natalie Rushman will not say that he had grey eyes, not blue, that his favorite color was candlelight on glass, something intangible and indescribable, that he spent an hour and forty three minutes, once, describing the red of her hair. That he could crochet like a master and he knew how to cook spaghetti and meatballs but not macaroni and cheese and that he took a ridiculous amount of pleasure in showers and that he never, not once, let her go when she was crying. And she will never tell anyone, not a living soul, that she left him first.
Natalie Rushman arrives. Natasha Romanoff stays, and she will never leave again.
There is no one left to see her.
love
{avengers - tony/pepper - angst}
Nature’s first green is gold
Stark tower lights up like a green Christmas tree, the arc reactor doing its job and Pepper smiling in the helmet. They were having twelve percent of a moment when Phil shows up and it’s Captain America and the Hulk and the Avengers and Pepper looks at him with a frown in her eyes and a smile on her lips and leaves. But just to D.C.
Her hardest hue to hold
Tony arrives on the Helicarrier, and, well, not being noticed was never a problem for him. Bruce is great and Steve’s an ass and there’s something itching in the back of his mind, something that burns blue. Pepper says ‘Tony’ in a worried tone, but it’s okay, he can’t hear her through the metal of the armor.
Her early leaf’s a flower
Pepper is beautiful. Pepper is beautiful in a stunning blue gown and her hair done in curls and Pepper is beautiful in Louboutins and a black suit and Pepper is beautiful walking around his penthouse in cutoff jeans and a white shirt with no shoes.
But only so an hour
‘Tony,’ Pepper says again, but it’s okay, he can’t hear her across the icy blackness of space. The call is not connected. Jarvis dies. Tony falls.
Then leaf subsides to leaf
Pepper is beautiful even when she’s yelling at him for being stupid. Tony says ‘okay’ and shrugs her off for the workshop. ‘Tony,’ Pepper says, louder, but it’s okay, he can’t hear her through the glass.
So Eden sank to grief
The Avengers are in his house. For a second, it seems like paradise. And then Pepper’s eyes get tight and ‘Tony’ is screamed in his ear, and it’s not okay, he can hear her in every corner of the house and it is loud. It’s inescapable. But it’s okay—Tony has skin as thick as steel.
So dawn goes down to day
‘I can’t do this,’ she says, and Tony stares at her. ‘I’m drowning,’ she says, and Tony stares at her. ‘You don’t need me,’ she says, and Tony stares at her. ‘I’m leaving,’ she says, and Tony breaks.
Nothing gold can stay
Pepper leaves. Tony breaks. The Avengers put him back together. Pepper comes back, and she is the same wonderful kind wise brilliant billionaire CEO philanthropist she has always been. There is no wedding ring, the gold band stuffed deep in a sock drawer in an abandoned closet in a hidden-away bedroom, there is no wedding. Pepper Potts walks out on her own two feet and slowly, surely, Tony stumbles back to his.
Nothing gold can stay.
“Bar the door,” he says, and it’s so simple. Bar the door. Bar the door, and you can’t see the shine of his eyes through the dust that rises when the column comes down. Bar the door, and drag the bodies of the dead geth prime across, hoping it’s enough. Bar the door, and there’s two hundred tons of ancient stonework between you and the outside world and the mirror of his mask, and it feels like more.
…and she’s slipping, isn’t she, she’s been slipping for a while, her feet like lead, they went first, dragging her off the edge of the cliff until she’s just barely hanging on by her nails. She doesn’t know what’s down below but she can just barely see, a flashlight beam cutting through the dark and showing only the upturned faces of what waits, and it is…tempting.
Tempting.
And there’s—there’s no anchor, nothing keeping her centered, her gravity is all out of whack, pulling her up down sideways and backwards, and she’s falling, falling, falling without anyone to catch her. Because he’s gone, the only person who ever put a hand on her arm and looked her in the eye and asked ‘are you okay,’ who put her to bed when she was tired and lifted her to her own heights when she wasn’t. So she looks over the edge, sees the dull yellow light shining on the freedom below and flinches with all she’s worth from what lies behind where everything is grey and cold and false. There’s the grip of her nails between her and falling, and if the falling would be easy, the landing would be doubly hard, but that’s why she can’t see the bottom, right? But she needs easy, she needs quick, because she needs something, anything, and now is not the time for second thoughts.
And she falls.
And it’s warm, and loose, and easy.
And she is gone.
And they will never know what hit them.
Pain. Pain was all he could feel.
Not from outside. In fact, he was provided with every comfort available to an ex-Primarch, ex-Spectre, and ex-Reaper Specialist. No, this pain came from him. From inside. The dulled pain of more than a hundred years of fighting, and the sharp, ever-present, burning pain that came with ten years of being alone.
